Fight or Flight

 

 

 

Things are not going so well these days.  I am in a constant internal battle of fight or flight.  Every single thing feels like a battle and I'm almost out of the ability to fight anymore. 

 

Fight.  Fighting for my voice.  Fighting for my kids....fighting WITH my kids.  Sophie is having some behavior problems at school, and her response is "my life completely sucks mom, this is the best I can do".  Boy do I feel this statement all the way to the bone.  She is right too.  Life does suck right now.  Surviving this storm = success to us.  I don't want the loss of her dad to be a crutch in life, but the poor girl needs some leeway.

 

Fight.  Gabriel still has a lot of anger that he's working through.  We were doing well for several weeks, but his "Hulk Smash" mode comes out when he's overtired, which seems to be constant these days.  Now that I'm traveling for work again, he is pretty distraught with abandonment fears.

 

I cannot even imagine what the kids are going through.  I know my loss sense of loss is breath taking and profound at times, but they have that extra layer of losing their innocence, their security, and not being fully aware of how profound and life changing this will be, for now and forever.

 

Flight.  We've decided (in daydreams) that we'd like to move to London.  Gabriel wants to ride in double decker buses and get a new accent.  Sophie wants to meet Sam Smith and be his straight girl best friend.  This seems like a legitimate life goal for me sometimes, even though it's ridiculously impractical.  For now, we'll stay here in Mount Airy, our original "flight plan".

 

Flight.  I'm hopping on another plane tomorrow for a three day business trip.  This is my second trip in as many weeks, and I feel like everyone sometimes forgets how hard it is to juggle everything now.  What used to be a normal morning flight now requires me to get up at 3:00am, secure child care, and fill out paperwork three days in advance.  What used to be a normal trip now provides me with several days of anxiety both before and during the length of the trip.  I am hoping this lessens with time, but it almost overwhelms me right now.

 

This is such a morose post.  Maybe it's just the nonstop rain that's got me down.  Maybe my exhaustion is catching up with me.  Or possibly I've hit that stage of grief called depression.  Any way I look at it, I need a break.