It's so stupid to worry about such a thing as loneliness when I'm only 16 weeks into the loss of my husband, but holy shit am I afraid of living my life alone.
When you are in a happy and stable marriage, you never really contemplate life alone. Over the years, you fall into a comfortable rhythm. Your life partner is so interwoven into the tiniest details of your day. When you lose that partner, it's amazing how even the small things are changed forever.
Chris had the liveliest, loudest, most fun personality you'd ever encounter. He spent his last hour on Earth laughing on the phone with his best friend while watching hockey and listening to the Grateful Dead. When Chris was in a room, the room was always full of energy.
Our house seems like a library these days. It's like we are all afraid to make a noise because our noises just don't compare to the Tagle Family Ringmaster that we all miss terribly.
I turn 40 in a couple of months. We'd been talking about this birthday for awhile, and had really epic plans to celebrate it. Now I'm all alone and will probably spend my milestone birthday in pajamas with wine and my own self pity.
I'm trying really hard to keep the loneliness at bay, but this miserable friend of mine keeps rearing her ugly head anytime my mind or body rests.
I'm sure it's part of the f-ing "process", but it's still a big bucket of suck. Big Hugs, Amy, it's not the same at all, but you do have a lot of friends.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have to be in so much pain. I am here for you, love.
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