Random.

Dear Chris,

There are so many little ways that I miss you.  Sunday was really hard for me, because it was opening weekend for the NFL.  A tradition we looked forward to and spent together for the last 12 years.  I missed trash talking about your Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Their new uniforms are pretty epic, but they still sucked.  You would have been in a pretty bad mood over that game.  Instead, it was a blurb across the screen for me.  I didn't have the heart to stream it....little, mundane things like that are still unspeakable in a way that nobody around me can understand.

Speaking of football, you'd be so proud of Gabriel.  He's working hard and listening to the coaches, just like you taught him.  He has lost his first two teeth since you've been gone. I am still too squeamish to pull them.  This is hopefully something I'll learn as time goes on.

Sophie's birthday is coming up this weekend and we cannot get comfortable with the idea of celebrating without you.  I miss having you to talk to about that day she was born.  How you left the hospital to take a nap because you thought my labor was too slow, and when you came back I was a raging ball of misery.  How we took Sophie to the beach in Charleston when she was just a few days old and I was afraid we'd drop her in the ocean. 

Sophie doesn't want a party, but I think it's an important step for all of us.  Of course we don't feel festive, but I don't think is how you'd want us to act.  We can't feel guilty for the bits of joy we are trying to find again.

I keep changing things about myself and I wonder what you'd think.  You'd hate my bangs....they were never your "thing" (even though you used to tell me that my forehead was almost as big as Peyton Manning's).  I don't think you'd care for the blonde highlights, but you'd understand.....my hair turns red when I'm stressed out, and I just couldn't stand it anymore.

We miss you babe.  Sometimes I feel your presence, but I wish it was around a bit more.  I feel pretty lost and alone without you.  It's amazing how alone you feel even when there are so many people around.  Take care of us.

Amy