The Agony of Decision Making

In the first few weeks after Chris died, I remember that even the simplest decisions were hard for me.  What to wear, what to eat....I couldn't make a single choice and relied on everyone to make the simple choices for me.  I'm grateful to everyone for those weeks.  Just waking up and surviving those mornings with the kids and nights were all that I had in me.

Time has dulled that initial raw pain, but I'm still having trouble with decisions.  I wonder if this is a normal phenomenon for widows....every single decision in life goes through the "what would Chris do/want/think".  I think this is probably very normal, and it's slowly maddening.

Chris and I were a lot alike in our most basic philosophies in life, but he would definitely say that I am the soft parent while he was the disciplinarian.  I spoiled the kids while he kept a reasonable amount of humility in their lives.  He was also the ringleader of our hijinks, while I was the one who made sure the kids got to bed on time.  Quite simply, we agreed about 80% of the time, and the other 20% was healthy discussion and consensus.  That grey area is now what keeps me up at night.

Sophie wants an iphone for her birthday.  Chris would have never agreed to this, but I'm considering it for a number of invalid reasons. Mostly I'm still just not comfortable telling the kids no when they've been through so much (this must end soon).

Gabriel wanted Diet Dr. Pepper at the grocery store yesterday.  Chris would have never allowed soda in the house, much less diet soda.  I bought it....in addition to being fresh off the Whole 30 and craving diet soda like it's liquid gold, I also just couldn't muster the energy to debate soda with my seven year old. 

I'm trying to find balance in the balance beam of life.  For big, life changing decisions, I will absolutely stop and consider how Chris and I wanted to raise our children.  That includes school decisions, moral lessons, and just being as present as I possibly can.  But for the occasional carbonated caffeine, I'm going to give myself a break.  I need to trust my own beliefs now and also trust that sharing my life with Chris for almost 12 years means that a hell of a lot of his beliefs are ingrained in my personality now.

In a fit of independence, I bought some girly soap for the first time in about 10 years. Chris would not have appreciated the skin softening, lavender scented goodness, but I don't think he will mind one bit if I do.